Tuesday, December 5, 2017

His First Date Is Going Horrendously Wrong, So His Friends Filled It With Hilarity

This story is absolute gold.

Theoretically, I could just post the 16 pictures and gifs that make up the legendary tale of a hero's date gone wrong and wash my hands of further responsibility. But I want to walk you through these events as a self-declared critic of fine art and live theater. Join me, if you will, in reliving one of the internet's finest quality date fails.

1. Nando's Chicken.

Alright, buckle in, folks. This is going to be fun. We begin with the first text. The unnamed perpetrator of the events, henceforth to be called Hero, begins by telling his football friends that he's going out with "that girl from Saturday." Unfortunately for that girl, she's being treated to Nando's. For the uninitiated, Nando's is basically a posh Popeye's Chicken. They give you napkins, sell cheap beer and sit you down in a booth. Fancy.

2. The Titanic.

The initial point of contact. Titanic, meet iceberg. Two things concern audiences about this photo. First, she put down a chicken leg to pick up her phone. Second, our hero was able to snap a picture of his date, her face alight with the soft blue hues of her phone, and she didn't even notice.

3. Should I stay or should I go now?

Act three is a bit of a filler in the story whereby our hero mulls the ever-so-important question: should I stay or should I go now? Thankfully for the audience, Hero decides to stay. Now we wait in suspense and Hero tries to break her gaze from her handheld bug light. For this, he takes this relatively controlled burn and applies a tiny bit of gasoline to it.

4. Watch this.

"Watch this," and "hold my beer," are two phrases in the male repertoire that are almost exclusively followed by jaw-dropping stupidity or hilarity...or both at the same time. Don't worry, the video itself is on the next page.

5. The hand of God.

This flawless execution of the hair ruffle left audiences agape.

6. Powder her nose.

This is another major cliffhanger in the this riveting story. Our lady-subject goes to the washroom, presumably with her phone where she's having a very similar conversation with a group titled "Bitchezzz<3," and we're left to wonder if and when she's going to come back.

7. Too soft.

The words "too soft" are like kryptonite to your average male. It's the 21st century equivalent of "man up," but insinuates improperly functioning male genitalia. It's the perfect way to get a man to do something flabbergasting for your enjoyment. And, as you can imagine, we're about to become privy to said flabbergasting actions.

8. Return of the King.

Our hero now fearlessly pokes the beehive and the results are stunning. You really get into the mind of the loveless jester as he woos his crowd with comedic feats usually reserved for over-inflated bar stories that stretch the truth. But in this case, the truth is in the pudding...or video...which awaits you on the next page. 

9. Smooth criminal. 

Immaculate execution, son. Immaculate. 

10. Where legends are made

Most heroes would turn around at this point in the story. The road ahead would be far too hard and gut-wrenching for a mere mortal. Our hero knows no limits in his ability to make the audience cringe with excitement and beg for more. 

11. "Jesus."

Here, our hero has transcended mortality and moved into the realm of deity. 

12. When the fear hits.

They say the eyes hold all the answers to a person's thoughts. Our leading lady demonstrates a fear in her eyes that words could never hope to describe. 

13. Early nominations

The story hasn't even finished yet and the critics in the Football group are already calling for our hero to be nominated for awards. "Quality." "Yessss." and "That's a new low," followed by laugh-cry emojis are just a few of the early reviews. 

14. The final act.

Our hero has come to terms with the fate he has dealt himself and in his final act throws all hope for redemption and decency out the window. 

15. Madness

The denouement to this story was a Scorcese-level plot close. The audience is left crippled by laughter and shock and in unison, they rise in applause of the timeless performance by our hero. 

16. Exit leading lady.

Yes. Yes. All the yeses. Never to be repeated. Archived and saved for the ages. Bravo to our fearless hero.

Main and collage images via imgur / Theendlesstraveller


Author: verified_user