Saturday, August 4, 2018

14 Times Alcohol Made The World A More Beautiful Place

When I'm walking home from dinner with my fiancée and I see two drunk dudes breaking one another's faces whilst a girl in a miniskirt with her underwear showing throws up in an alley, do you know what I turn to my fiancée and say? I say, "Surely all our greatest worldly problems would be solved with even more alcoholics."

She's marrying me for my intellect and sound reasoning, by the way.

Yes, alcohol truly is God's gift to us. But seriously. God created Jesus and Jesus turned himself into wine so, therefore, God gave us alcohol...and because God wants us to consume as much Jesus as humanly possible, reason would therefore state that he wants us to consume Jesus' liquid form as much as possible as well.

Amirite or amirite?

Let this article be an homage to the joys alcohol has brought upon this world. Blessed be the fermented fruits and vegetables of debauchery. 

1. Alcohol brings together the unlikeliest of cultural and religious groups.

2. Alcohol fueled Churchill...Churchill defeated the Nazis...Therefore, alcohol is responsible for defeating Nazis. DRINK UP.

3. the memories of a failed relationship with my father.

4. Alcohol has made Ron Swanson an American super-patriot. Drink more.

5. Babies don't normally behave like this. He's pissed up on James Bean and $1 Jägberbombs.

6. This is the truth. Alcohol promotes exaggerated declarations of love. The world needs more of that.

7. I have some of my fondest memories from the times a hangover led me into a second straight day of binge-drinking.

8. Alcohol, condoms, and deodorant side by side by side. See what beauty alcohol produces?

9. Alcohol prepares you to deal with the shame...the next morning.

10. I GUARANTEE you this is being prepared for drunk and/or hungover people. 

"You're welcome." –Alcohol.

11. Alcohol is a great may also be the reason you don't have a human companion, but screw those details.

12. Alcohol is a great nightcap to celebrating freedom.

OR! it can be something that's used to make freedom way more awesome and dangerous. You pick.

13. Alcohol: Still better than any excuse Hillary had for mismanaging important emails.

14. It makes you act funny and random.


Author: verified_user